


Insight

by bjfic_archivist



Category: Queer as Folk (US)
Genre: Angst, Canon, Episode Related, Gap Filler, Points of View
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2003-08-25
Updated: 2003-08-25
Packaged: 2018-12-27 02:06:48
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,072
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/12071448
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/bjfic_archivist/pseuds/bjfic_archivist
Summary: Describes Justin's feelings before, during and after the kiss in  episode #219.





	Insight

**Author's Note:**

> Note from IrishCaelan, the archivist: this story was originally archived at [The Brian/Justin Fanfiction Archive](http://fanlore.org/wiki/Brian_Justin_Fanfiction_Archive). To preserve the archive, I began importing its works to the AO3 as an Open Doors-approved project in September 2017. I posted announcements, but may not have reached everyone. If you are (or know) this creator, please contact me using the e-mail address on [The Brian/Justin Fanfiction Archive collection profile](http://archiveofourown.org/collections/bjfic/profile).

I slide open the loft door, shamelessly humming one of Ethan’s better tunes. It’s dark and seemingly empty. Good, it’ll give me a chance to have a shower – I must reek of infidelity. Closing the door behind me I start to take off my coat, slinging it aside. I start momentarily when Brian’s lean form appears in front of me, tilting forward slightly and seeming to tower. He has a glass in his hand – he only drinks at home when he’s really down. “Jesus, Brian, I thought you were bowling.” Is what comes out of my mouth. But what I’m thinking is shit shit shit, how am I going to explain away another shower? 

“Game’s over.” He says with a small shrug of his shoulders. Something seems wrong. 

“How’d we do?” I say, genuinely interested. My voice is falsely high. If I can stall him I can think of an excuse as to why I need to shower again. 

“Three cheers to the winning team,” he slurs slightly, lifting his glass aloft for a moment. 

“Way to go,” I say, moving forwards towards the bathroom. 

“Wasn’t us.” He shrugs again and puts down the glass. He starts towards me and I swear my heart is so loud he must be able to hear it, and I think that the stench of duplicity coming off me must be overpowering. But he doesn’t falter. He clutches me round the waist and pulls me to him, resisting my mild struggle. 

“Later,” I say firmly. 

“Now,” he replies even more firmly. Dammit. 

“Can’t we please do this after a shower?” I plead slightly, twisting away from his grasp. How can he be so oblivious? When have I ever said no to Brian? I still want him now, for him to take me here, but I know if he comes an inch closer he’ll know that I’ve strayed – and not just in a minor way. If he kisses me – he’ll taste Ethan on my lips, my breath, my skin. I’ve broken my own fucking rule and he’s going to find out. 

“I like smellin’ you,” he says in an odd voice. “Not soap.” I stop struggling. For Brian to admit to that is like a declaration of his love on bended knee. Don’t you know that it’s all I’ve ever wanted from you Brian? All I’ve ever needed? And you go and say it now, after I’ve found a replacement? I look into his eyes, boring into mine, his hand on my face. No one could ever replace him. God, he’s beautiful. He’s staring at me with such a hunger that you would think it’s the last time he’d ever look at me, and he’s tracing my skin with his fingers as if it’s the last time he’ll ever touch me. Suddenly he grabs me and lifts me up towards him, clamping our bodies together. It’s never felt so intense. Then he crushes his mouth to mine and I can’t think of anything else. I feel him, it’s like my body is on fire. He needs me. Madly, passionately – desperately. Like it’s the last time we’ll ever kiss. He pulls away momentarily and my heart hammers so hard it almost breaks my chest. He knows. Shit shit shit! But if he does know, he chooses not to show it and slams his mouth against mine again, devouring me. It hasn’t been this frenzied since the first night we met. 

Before I know it we’ve dropped to the floor and we’re on our knees, and he breaks the kiss again, but only to tear my shirt off and toss it aside before he pulls me to him again. Then we’ve fallen onto the floor, Brian on top as usual. I need him now. How could I ever have thought that Ethan was what I needed? He can never compare to this, to the fire, the passion that Brian and I have. That Rage and JT have. I start to reach under Brian’s shirt to pull it off but he slaps my hands away and sits up on my body. He wants to be in control tonight, but I don’t care, all I need is to feel him on me, in me, anywhere near me. He unzips my fly and puts his hands down my pants briefly, saying, “You like that?” I want to scream, you know I do Brian, you know all you have to do is touch me and I fall apart, I’m yours. It doesn’t even matter right now that you won’t admit you love me, that you’ve made me find someone who appreciates me, because the way you are when we’re alone is all the proof I need. But I can’t, because then he’d know I had cheated - and for no reason – I just admitted that I know how he feels about me even though he’ll never say it. So instead I say, “yes,” meaning, just fucking take me here Brian, right here on the cold wooden floor, because once you’re inside me I won’t feel anything but you, and how right we are. He slams his hand down either side of me and continues to kiss me roughly, occasionally bringing one hand up to grab at my golden hair. Then almost reluctantly, it seems, he moves away, pushing himself up slightly so that he is above me. He’s looking at me. “Don’t just stop,” I say, kissing him lightly on the chin. He ducks his face away from my roaming lips. “Brian”. He is still looking at me. Then he slowly inches down, and sniffs audibly. I go cold all over. 

Fuck! He knew! And this was all to make me realise how much I still wanted him – and now he’s going to tell me I can’t have him. My cock is embarrassingly hard, proof of his effect on me. 

“Go take a shower,” he says coldly. “You stink.” The floor squeaks as he pushes himself off me and stands up. I lay there for a second, trying to figure out what just happened. I’ve been busted big time is what. I bite back a sob and pull myself into a sitting position, then all the way up. There’s nothing for it but to stagger to the bathroom, and try and wash away the filth, of my betrayal. But somewhere inside of me knows that it’ll take more than soap to solve this problem.


End file.
